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What Is This Thing
Called Love?
By Robert W.
Birch |
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CONFUSING THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVE
John Ciardi, in a 1978 New York Times article, wrote, "Love is
the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the
habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the
old." Is this what love is? Do the young fall in lust and call
it love? In our middle years do we call a feeling of comfort and
familiarity love? Is love in our golden years just a feeling of
mutual need for emotional and physical support?
In the book Love and Limerence (1979), Dorothy Tennov states,
"Human beings have had difficulty differentiating among: 1)
sexual desire, 2) liking, in the sense of friendship, 3)
affection and 4) love, in the sense of concern for the other
person's welfare." I would add as a fifth confusing feeling the
dependent need to be loved, for there are those who believe they
love another on the sole basis of that person loving them.
In our society, we talk and write and sing so much about love,
but it remain a mystery. Plato, the Greek philosopher, wrote,
"Love is a grave mental disease." Renowned psychiatrist Karl
Menninger, however, wrote, "Love cures people - both the ones
who give it and the ones who receive it." This leads me to
ponder the question, is love both the illness and the cure?
To love and not be loved in return is very painful. To
desperately need and not be needed can be, for some, emotionally
devastating. Robert Kalich, in 1981, wrote, "Loving a woman who
doesn't love you back is like bouncing a basketball without air
in it." Rejection can lead to feelings of depression, to a
devaluing of one's own personal worth, and to a wide range of
emotional and physical symptoms. Are these devastating feelings
the result of unreturned mature love, or are they the
consequences of an immature dependent love and the erroneous
belief that one has no value unless loved by another?
When a lover leaves, the sense of intense loss is fueled by the
irrational belief that one can never love another person as much
as the love felt for the one who has gone. Desperate, dependent,
destructive "love" has been viewed as an addiction in many of
the popular books of the '70s and '80s, such as How to Break
Your Addiction of a Person by Halpern, Women Who Love Too Much
by Peele, and Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places by
Diamond. Others warned women about making bad decisions in
matters of love, as in Smart Women, Foolish Choices by Cowan &
Kinder, and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by
Forward & Torres. Cassel, in Swept Away, warns women not to fall
into lust and then excuse themselves for being sexual by
convincing themselves they must have been swept away by love.
LOVE AND LIMERENCE
Is love blind? Do we enter an altered state of awareness when we
fall in love and misperceive our loved one? This would appear to
be true, at least according to Dorothy Tennov who has coined the
word "limerence" to identify the early stages of attraction and
infatuation, during which we see no faults. In limerence, one
will be blinded by the feelings and rush headlong into a
relationship with someone who is still a relative stranger. In
limerence, one cannot sleep, cannot eat, and cannot concentrate
on anyone but the object of this powerful attraction. (Others,
e.g. Krenshaw in The Alchemy of Love, would see this altered
state as being induced by biochemical influences not readily
available to conscious awareness.) Limerence might be the
precursor to love, but according to Tennov, it is not love.
If, in the course of basking in limerence, love develops, the
feelings will have permanence. However, if there is limerence
and no love, the feelings will fade into indifference or
dislike. Tennov gives limerence from six to twelve months "shelf
life." What remains is the true test of the relationship.
Statistics tell us that with a larger percentage of marriages
occurring less than a year after the couple met, divorce is
likely to occur. The concept of limerence is a good argument for
dating well past the one year mark before committing to the
legal contract of marriage.
Liv Ullmann, in a 1977 McCalls story, is quoted as saying, "I
felt as though the clouds were not on the horizon, but under my
feet." It was surely limerence that had inspired a description
of such romantic euphoria. In a more cynical mood, John
Barrymore once said, "Love is the delightful interval between
meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a
haddock." Such an interval is exactly what Tennov had in mind
when she wrote about limerence. This blindness imposed by a
state of limerence is also expressed in the 1955 comment by
Maurice Chevalier when he said, "Many a man has fallen in love
with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit
in." One wonders if he was talking of love, limerence or just
plain lust. (In addition to possibly confusing love, limerence
and lust, note how forty plus years ago, grown women were
referred to as "girls." Political correctness had not yet made
its entry into our way of thinking and writing.)
STYLES OF LOVING
Two books, Loving Styles by Rosenman (1979) and Styles of Loving
by Lasswell and Lobsenz (1980), presented an interesting
perspective on the various way people feel, but indiscriminately
call love. These authors argue that there is no one kind of
love, no single constellation of feelings, but rather at least
six distinct styles. They make the point that we love in
different ways and that each of us has developed a unique
combination of these different styles. In the English language
we use the word love very broadly (and may modify it by adding
an adjective, such as brotherly love, parental love, platonic
love, etc.). In the Greek language, however, there six different
feels identified: Storge, Agape, Mania, Pragma, Ludus, and Eros.
Storge (pronounced like stor-gay) is friendship love. A storge
lover says of the loved one, "He/she is my very best friend."
This love is based on common interests, similar values, mutual
goals and compatible personalities. Storge loving builds slowly
it is not complicated by sexual chemistry. Sex is not important
in the development of the relationship and is not central to it.
Although this style of loving lacks excitement and passion, it
brings a great sense of security and stability. Of all the
styles of loving, storge loving between friends is the most
lasting.
The agape lover is giving and forgiving. Agape lovers believe
that loving someone means putting the other's welfare above
their own. Bill Murray described it on a 1980 Late Night Show
with David Letterman, when he said, "If you really love someone
you try to do for them what they don't know they need done." Too
much giving and forgiving, however, can approach the level of
martyrdom, and resentment might begin to build. Lopsided
self-sacrifice and too much forgiving of bad behavior can lead
to feelings of being taken for granted and of being abused. Many
agape lovers who have gone to extremes have remarked, "I'm sick
of it. I give and give and never get back. I overlook everything
and feel walked on. I'm burned out and just can't give any
more." Agape lovers thrive only with an appreciative partner who
gives in return.
Mania loving is being madly in love. This high energy loving
adds excitement to a relationship, but too much madness leads to
possessiveness and jealous. It is as thought the intense mania
lover is never sure that the loved one will not leave, and they
must cling tightly. Partners of mania lovers might initially be
thrilled to be loved and needed so intensely, but they are
likely to end up feeling rigidly controlled. Mania love does not
allow a partner to grow, as the mania lover feels at risk when
they are unable to control their partner. Too much mania becomes
oppressive, controlling and ultimately destructive.
Pragma love is practical. Often it is like falling in love with
your head, not your heart. A true pragma lover goes out with a
mental shopping list of the qualities required in a prospective
partner. The list is usually very practical, including such
things as the ideal partner's social status, occupation,
material possessions, and level of income. A man who buys an
expensive car to attract women is shopping for a pragma lover.
The father who gives his daughter the advice, "It is just as
easy to marry a rich man as it is to marry a poor one," has
given a pragma message. Indeed, the first thing that attracts
her to a man might be his car.
The pragma message can be found in an old English proverb,
dating back to 1670, that states "Who marrieth for love without
money hath good nights and sorry days."
Ludus lovers are the game players. They love the singles bars
that become their playground. Ludus lovers will come on strong,
being well practiced in the art of seduction. However, it is
very difficult for a ludus lover to make a lasting commitment.
It is ironic that the ludus lover is most likely to end a
relationship when it is at its best. Since it is the pursuit and
not the conquest that is exciting, commitment holds no
attraction. As a relationship becomes secure and the initial
passion fades, ludus lovers become bored and will often begin a
new relationship even before ending an old one. By overlapping
relationships, the game player can guarantee the continual
excitement of a fresh pursuit.
The sixth style of loving is Eros or erotic love. Eros lovers
are typically romantic and value intimacy, both emotional and
physical. They are likely to believe in love at first sight and
will talk of feeling a strong physical attraction to their
partner...a sexual chemistry. Sexual behavior is likely to occur
between two eros lovers much earlier in a relationship than
between two storge lovers. While the ludus lover might push for
sexual relations early in a relationship, it is a matter of
conquest and scoring, but the eros lover's desire to be sexual
is to connect and to share the intimacy of mutual sexual
satisfaction.
CONCLUSIONS
If we accept the assumption that what we typically call "love"
is really a combination or mixture of at least six different
styles of loving, we can begin to understand why some
relationships are destined to fail. An agape lover might burn
out, a mania lover can hold too tightly, a pragma lover might
never feel emotionally filled, and an eros lover might fall in
love with a ludus lover and wonder how such a perfect union
could end so abruptly. We can also understand why two people can
each profess love for the other, but neither will feel loved. It
certainly seems true that love is neither a singular nor simple
emotion that we could ever hope to define in a simple
definition. We each love in our own unique way and respond best
when loved back in a similar style.
Love is a celebration of two lives bonded together by mutual
caring, compassion, and concern. Consideration, compatibility
and open communication enrich both lives. Mature lasting love is
characterized by mutual respect, and is never critical,
demanding, or restrictive. Mutual growth is supported, both as a
couple and as individuals. Dorothy Parker wisely has said, "love
is like quicksand in the hand. Leave your fingers open, and it
stays. Clutch it, and it darts away." |
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True stories |
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I found my true love |
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